A Slight Delay

Checked my Yahoo account today, and thought for a minute I was reading some descendent of Lewis Carroll, or maybe Hugo Ball. Spam seems to be Yahoo’s bread and butter, judging by the amount of it that clogs my inbox every time I log in, but lately it’s taken on an almost poetic, musique concrete quality. The Ali Zapatas and Zenobia Q Titmouses of the world have given us some real gems, reprinted here as poetry (n.b. the typos are theirs, not mine):

pricrot Tort Radmid
Priant Alpher bato spire
Horth Guitchop Botather
(more…)

Another letter, sent after the one below:

Mr. Wetauba,
 
It is with great and sincere regret that I read this missive on the loss of  your dear client. It is with further regret, however, that I must decline your generous offer.
 
Even a cursory inquiry, you see, would reveal that my credit is somewhat less than Sterling. It is, in fact–in the going financial parlance–something closer to “rust.” The road to this unfortunate set of circumstances is long, circuitous, and probably dull to the uninitiated. Therefore, I will lay it out in detail. Someone of your financial experience and acumen, I’m confident, cannot but be impressed. (more…)

I use Hotmail, the filtering on which is generally halfway decent. That’s a good thing, usually, but one side effect is that I don’t get those Nigerian letters anymore. If you’ve ever taken a class, or read a book, on creative writing, you know that they’re big on “writing prompts,” ranging from traditional exercises to things that could almost pass for Zen koans; those letters were great writing prompts. Here’s a reply that I wrote to one of them:

Mr. Oko,

I’m so sorry, but I’ve been burned so many times in the past giving to lost causes. I sent something to the order of seventy-five thousand dollars for hunger relief in Ethiopia, and they kept starving. Same with the Biafrans, back when aid to Biafra was all the rage. I’ve given to the Rotarians, the Moose Lodge (only to find out that the closest they get to a moose is the one over the fireplace; and here I thought they were helping those poor animals. The bastards). Even donated a substantial sum of money for a friend’s breast augmentation, because I knew it would make him happy… he changed his mind after others had also chipped in no small fortune for the hormones and the rest of the surgery. You can imagine our disillusion. (more…)

Okay, it’s rant time. At least once a month, I get email from someone who’s so frantic about something, they had to tell all 3,427 people in their address book, and they want everyone to know that it’s imperative that they warn everyone they know, immediately-by smoke signal, if necessary-about some impending threat or other. Some of them have even followed up with phone calls to make sure that I got the email, and seem genuinely surprised that I deleted it without forwarding it.

This month’s suspect is a lovely missive about how Madeline Murray O’Hare [sic] is trying to get religious broadcasting banned from the airwaves. There’s a petition, we’re told, circulated by James Dobson (that part may well be true; he’s turned indignation into a cottage industry). And CBS even yanked “Touched By An Angel” off the air for repeatedly using the word God! The bastards!

Okay, now let’s break this down rationally: I’m impressed, first of all, that Ms. O’Hair is trying to get much of anything banned anywhere these days. The famed atheist activist, y’see, was kidnapped and murdered in 1995. And “TBAA” was pulled in 2003, having had a healthy nine-year run. Say what you want about CBS, but I don’t think it took them that long to notice. Oh, and the House bill featured so prominently in the email? They’re only 33 years late, the bill having been introduced and failing to pass in 1975.

I know that people are generally well-intentioned. They see something about a computer virus that gives your laptop herpes when you check your email, and they want to make sure that you’re “protected.” All well and good. Except that I haven’t gotten a scaregram yet that actually had what’s elsewhere called “actionable intelligence.” Instead, it reads like it came from Fox News Channel, and is about as accurate. (more…)