Open Letter to Congress
Ladies and Gentlemen of the 110th Congress,
I understand that these are dire economic times in which we are living. And I understand the urge to do something, anything, to get us out of this mess. People have, after all, played the markets these last several years like some kind of vast, diversified, highly leveraged casino… and they’ve forgotten the cardinal rule of gambling, which is that the house always wins.
But I’m getting a bit off-topic here. I understand that the bailout failed to pass two days ago, and comes up again this evening, probably in a slightly altered form. I hope it’s not too late to offer a suggestion.
Here’s my proposal: buy a good, high-quality mattress for each man, woman, and child in the United States. Heck, it wouldn’t even have to be one for each of the nation’s 305 million people; some are married, some shacked up, so that’s got to shave about 100 million mattresses off your total. Of course, you can’t have a bunch of comfy mattresses going to everyone out there and then have them put inferior bedding on them. Include a stimulus check, to be used in the bearer’s home goods store of choice, to purchase some good sheets. Maybe something in flannel, or a 600+ thread count. You might want to tack on a few extra bucks for those who plan on buying satin sheets, since I’ve heard that they’re treacherous… someone will need to take into account those sheet injuries.
Now, you may be wondering what I’m smoking to suggest something like this (if you must know, Camels, though I’m not choosy). It’s simple. You have a nation that’s losing sleep over a terribly managed economy, to say nothing of what it’s doing to their savings and what they’ve squirreled away for retirement; that’s cut out at least ten of its customary forty winks wondering how it’ll afford college, gas, medical expenses, and groceries, to say nothing of wondering which of the above they’ll have to cut to meet the payments on the other bits. It’s the least you can do, really.
Besides, it’ll give us all a safer place for our money.
Tags: bailout, economic meltdown, Election 2008, relief plan