You Want Me to do WHAT?
I’m not sure what it is about me that everyone thinks I need to be converted to something else. Catholics, Muslims, Jehova’s Witnesses, and Protestants of practically every stripe think that I need to join their crowd. It’s like PBS with loaves and fishes; a perfectly innocent everyday conversation is chugging along nicely, only to be brought to a screeching halt by some kind of churchy pledge drive.
This has happened so often that I’ve come up with some coping strategies in case anyone decides that there’s something religiously or theologically wrong with you. Use as many of the following as are necessary ‘til your interlocutor has had enough/sobs with frustration.
Start by asking if they handle snakes. If they do, then you’re absolutely terrified of snakes. If they don’t, then politely inform them that you choose your houses of worship based on their snake-handling abilities. Follow this with an innocent question about headgear. If they sport some kind of heavenly haberdashery, let them know that you look terrible in a snood/mitre/turban/yarmulke/tarboosh. If no, make it clear that you haven’t spent all these years adding to your Grandfather’s fez collection for nothing.
If pork is verboten, you can’t give up pork chops/chitlins/sweet Italian sausage/ham sandwiches. If it’s not, then… HEATHEN! How can you eat an animal that ruts in its own filth? You get the picture. Be creative, and have fun with this.
If all else fails, ask if they serve rice pudding at their church suppers. If the answer is yes, you may also ask whether the rice pudding has raisins, and declare the answer to be an affront to your sensibilites regardless. In the absence of rice pudding, you may substitute Key Lime pie, making first the pie, and then the meringue topping the deal breaker. For as all the righteous know, meringue topping on Key Lime pie is truly an abomination in God’s sight. Just my opinion, mind you.
Tags: conversion, evangelism, Religion