A View of the Future
Science has made great strides in prenatal and neonatal research, and things have the potential to get interesting. For instance, it’s only a matter of time before we see a modification of the common “Parental Advisory–Explicit Content” stickers found on so many CDs. Building on pseudoscientific quack Don Campbell’s research on the effects of music on unborn and newborn babies, a bill to relabel CDs will be introduced. The current sticker will be replaced by, “Prenatal Advisory–Explicit Content.” It will be argued from both sides that hearing obscenity will have a deleterious effect on the unborn. Using the same labirynthine logic with which they’ve defined the abortion debate, the GOP will argue that the unborn, though they lack the facilities to comprehend what they’re hearing, could be corrupted by the content of the music; the Democrats, of course, will fall in line behind the GOP for fear of losing support on a populist issue in an election year.
Also to come: Cel phones for fetuses. Let’s face it, yuppies love to accessorize. What self-respecting, upwardly mobile young professional would be seen talking to the people on the subway? No, he must talk on his cel phone, loudly enough to suggest that the technology hasn’t yet been perfected, and he is in fact trying to yell from Paterson to Peoria.
Some yuppies have gone so far as to consider their children another accessory, and others have tried to ensure that their kids are also well-accessorized (what good is all that money, after all, without ostentatiously displaying it?).
So we’ll soon see well-heeled pregnant women going to gynecologists who have certifications in Intrauterine Telecommunications. LG and Samsung will race to patent what will come to be called “Umbilicall(tm) Technology”, allowing cellular communications to be shrunk to a size that they can be implanted using only minimally invasive surgery. Proudly expectant mothers, in addition to showing off photos from their last sonograms, will invite all and sundry to place a call to their fetus (discount rates available for twins and other multiples).
A few years later, someone will hit on the idea of miniaturizing sonogram equipment, which will be coupled with the Umbilicall technology to create a prenatal teleconferencing system.
And even at that, parents will probably still shout…
“MOMMY’S CALLING YOU FROM THE OBSTETRICIAN’S OFFICE! Oh, look… he’s moving his little feet! OW! He just jabbed me with the antenna! HELLO THERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? I’M IN A DOORWAY NOW!”
Tags: Humor, kids, Politics, technology