Toast Crisis Looms
WASHINGTON (AP): A source close to the president, speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed widespread rumors of a coming toast shortage. Urgent pleas have been lodged with the Toast Producing and Exporting Countries (TPEC), whose members are expected to hold an emergency summit in Yemen (motto: “White or Wheat?”), during which solutions are to be discussed, and ways found to keep prices low at the toaster.
In the meantime, the United States Department of Agriculture has recommended toast rationing, especially in urban centers, retirement communities, and truck stops, where recent toast consumption has far outstripped the rates of both import and production.
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke does not expect that the shortage of toast will further dampen the currently bearish market. President Bush, speaking at a press conference earlier today, sought to quell consumers’ fears, alluding to America’s 257-billion bushel stockpile of emergency surplus toast, held in reserve on a military base in Arizona, whose hot, dry climate makes it ideal for toast storage.